Lorraine Walker: I have had enough

I have had enough.

Normally I am not a complainer, but to be completely honest, I’ve had a rough time lately. Do you ever have one of those times when everything around you appears like shards of glass in a kaleidoscope that never seem to settle? And I mean everything. Family, friends, finances, physical health, emotional health – all with painful issues that just went on and on.

I was pretty much at the end of my rope, and then the doctor said to me, “You need to get tested for Covid.”

Shock waves. I knew that if I was at the beginning of that virus, not only would it mess up my lungs that already have issues, but it would affect the rest of my family immeasurably.

Just the possibility that this virus might hit so close to home felt like an impossible weight placed on an already unbearable burden.

“Lord, I have had enough.” I felt drained of any faith. “If this is another test, I just can’t do it. Either you need to come down from heaven and collect your children, including me, or just take me home now.”

It’s interesting that at the same time that this was happening, I was reading the story of Elijah in the Old Testament. We often think of that old prophet as someone who saw amazing miracles, stood up against kings, and had incredible faith. 

It was after one such awe-inspiring miracle, that we find Elijah huddled in a cave, telling the Lord, “I have had enough.”

I read this and I thought, “What’s up with you, Elijah? Did you forget everything that you went through, every time God saved you and performed miracles to bring you to this place?”

Then it hit me.

Okay. I get it Lord. I’m not the only one to be in this spot. But like Elijah, it’s time I remembered all the amazing things you have done in my life, all the times you have saved me, and all the things you have brought me through, to bring me to this place.

First of all, what has Jesus done for me? Short list only. He has forgiven me, given me mercy and grace, made me his child, healed me again and again. He has come to live in my heart, filled me with his holy spirit, and led me and guided me in so many ways. He has done things through me and around me that have only been him.

It’s because I am a child of God that I am here today. It’s because of his great love for me that he has surrounded me with his people. And it’s because of his hand in my life that I am receiving nerve blocker shots that help me feel better so I can live for him more effectively. And it’s because of those shots that I have come in contact with an incredible pain doctor who also wants the best for me. It was that pain doctor who told me to go get tested for the virus. 

Of course, I didn’t think of all this at the time. It was later that I finally listened to the gentle whisper of God telling me that he was still in control.

Approximately 48 hours later, I found out that I did not have the coronavirus.

Now, this result did not take away the rest of the issues happening in my life, but just knowing that someone like Elijah was in the same place where I felt myself, helped me realize that the Lord understands when I feel hopeless, scared, unwilling to go on. That’s when he reminds me that these emotions can cloud my mind to the truth.

And then God asked me the same thing he asked Elijah: “What are you doing here?” I felt him lift me out of the darkness.

The truth is: I am not alone. I have a heavenly Father who is always with me, who loves me deeply, and who tells me to cast my cares on him, for he cares for me.

My life is in his hands. And that is enough. 

By Lorraine Walker

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